The Ways of the Heart are Millions
by OverMaster
Summary: Multi-fandom, inspired by SCM's Love Stories. Literally anything goes, and I mean anything. Random romantic snippets on everything under the sun.
1. Chapter 1

Inspired by Shadow Crystal Mage's_**Love Stories**_

_Monk_, _Panty & Stocking with Garterbelt_, _Batman, Vandread, Transformers, Garfield, Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei, Tiny Toon Adventures, Darkwing Duck, Mortal Kombat, El Hazard, X-Men, Spider-Man, Hulk, __Ah! My Goddess_, _Happy Tree Friends_, _Star Wars_, _Zero no Tsukaima_, _Super Friends_ and _Hellboy_ are all owned by their respective creators and copyright holders.

I'm making absolutely no money out of this.

Thanks to everyone around the Internet who inspired these stories, from Yeoman to Legato and beyond.

Have a happy Valentine.

**Blind Eye**

Clark had been raised by Kansas farmers, so his education had been, naturally, conventional and conservative.

Superman was, across the globe, held as a symbol of the good old values, for the idealist minded, and the status quo, for the more cynical ones. He was expected to stop and prevent everything morally wrong in his considerably wide sense range. He wasn't supposed to turn blind eyes to any wrongdoing.

Clark had super senses that made impossible for him to avoid picking some things up, even when he wasn't trying to. He couldn't help hearing how Zan and Jayna's heartbeats quickened when they were close to each other. He could smell the subtle traces on them when they showed up early at the Hall of Justice. He knew what they were doing.

And yet, he never said anything on it. He didn't like it, but he understood.

Sometimes, what you're supposed to do is less important than what you feel you shouldn't do.

**Even in Death**

Cuddles was used to all sorts of humbling, hideous, confusing, painful, absurd, pointless and cruel deaths in a nearly daily basis. It came with living in Happy Tree Village. He had come to accept it, like everyone else.

And yet, he only could die in peace when he died with Giggles.

**The Greatest Gift**

The Bureau said the spirit had been killing men, and only men, randomly for more than forty years, but the German government hadn't even acknowledged the problem, much less allowed intervention, until the Secretary of Defense's nephew was added to the list of victims.

She was a tough one, too; fed with dozens of souls, and fast and clever. Somehow, she got a drop on Hellboy, slamming him down against the pavement and tightening her icy hands around his thick throat.

"He promised me the world, only to kill me in our honeymoon and run with his lover and my dowry!" she howled on his face. "That's why I have to kill you! All of you! What could you men ever have to offer to someone like me?-!"

Calmly, he held the gun up. It was very unlike any weapon she had ever seen before.

"Release?" he asked.

After a long contemplation, she nodded and let go of his neck. He nodded back, trained the gun on her forehead, muttered a prayer, and pulled the trigger.

As her awareness faded out, she felt lighter and much better than she had in years.

Ah, what a kind stranger. Under other circumstances, she might have fallen in love with him...

**Loss**

Death trap.

He held the bloodied and battered large body in his arms, hoping for it to move again in any moment now, punching him in the face. It didn't.

And then he knew he had lost the only person he cared about anymore. He had lost the last remaining piece of his soul.

"What have I done...?"

Never again would they play under the fair moonlight. Never again would they light the Gotham nights. No more merry chases to make their blood pump. No more laughter to go along with his grunts. The harmony was broken. His ribs were sticking out of his chiseled body, ripping through the dark, blood stained dark costume.

The policemen who broke in minutes after said they never had seen anyone crying with more sadness. It was a monstrous, larger than life sadness, the emptiness that remains when a life has been fully consumed.

"I loved him, you know...! I loved him...! He was the only one who mattered...!"

**There, where you are**

Belldandy could have easily used her powers to levitate Keiichi from where he had fallen asleep and into his futon. After all, that wasn't the healthiest position to sleep in, and he'd wake up aching and ill-rested. And right after a hard day at the workshop, too.

But she knew he was only a human, after all, and as much as she loved him (or rather, precisely because she loved him so much), she had to let him be a human. So she did the human thing to do, and only covered his torso with a blanket, placing a peck on his forehead afterwards.

They'd move ahead together, always, but at a human pace.

That was the kind of everyday subtle sacrifices a First Category Goddess was happy to make for him.

**Caught by her Heart**

Mr. Monk had been right as usual, and it had been a passion crime despite the attempt to make it look like a professional hit.

"Love, " the murderess said bitterly, while Stottlemeyer handcuffed her, "only serves to break your heart and ruin your life."

Mr. Monk thought of Trudy. "No..." he said slowly, shaking his head even slower. "It also serves to prove you had a heart. And a life."

**Like Old Times**

After so long, they ran to each other's encounter as only bunny rabbits can do.

They held hands and gazed at each other's eyes, smiling as if they still wre children.

"I'm Buster Bunny..." he said.

"... I'm Babs Bunny!" she said.

"No relation, thank God!" they laughed as they hugged.

**Paradigm Shift**

"Don't you ever grow tired of groveling to my sister?" Stocking asked between mouthfuls of chocolate pudding, her long, slender legs crossed lazily. "It's just pathetic. Can't you see she couldn't ever love anyone? Even you deserve someone better than that."

Now that made Brief lift his gaze up from the mud, Panty's footprints still all over his scalp. "Even I?"

"Yeah, even someone like you is too good for Panty," Stocking declared.

"I'm... too good...?" the boy's voice trembled.

"For her? Hell, yeah. You're so devoted and kind and loyal to her, it's sickening. For her, you have no dignity, no sense of worth or self-respect. All for a bitch you mean nothing to, dumbass. You can't make her feel anything. God, you make me nauseous!" she continued eating. "I've lost my appetite!" and she kept on eating, faster than before.

Brief's eyes shone under his red bangs. "I make you... feel...?"

How hadn't he ever noticed the cute way she scowled when she ate angrily? The doll-like qualities of her pale features? The adorable way chocolate stains stuck to her lips?

After work hours, he walked to the best bakery in town and ordered ten gift wrapped cakes delivered. It wouldn't be the last time.

**Logic**

Only then, with Saito gone, Louise realized three things.

She hated being by herself much more than she had ever realized before.

She hated being by herself because she hated herself.

She mistreated Saito so much, mainly, because he loved her, and she couldn't bear the thought of someone she loved so much, loving someone she hated so much.

Seen that way now, it all made perfect sense at last.

But it didn't make it any less painful.

**Sub-Zero and Deadpool**

The man in black and blue stood tall and proud before his gathered comrades.

"Brothers!" he finally shouted, loud and firm as ever. "After my latest sojourn to Mortal Kombat, your leader, Sub-Zero, has returned to retake the reigns of the Lin Kuei clan!"

The ninjas all cheered as a single man, a brief shout of acceptance for their returned master. Sub-Zero nodded sparsely at them, then reassumed his speech.

"However, changes will have to be made to our accommodations! After meeting a very special, brave and indomitable soul at Shang Tsung's domains, I have decided to take a consort!"

The ninjas seemed frozen all of a sudden, their normally stoic eyes widening mildly in shock.

"But, young Master—!" one of them began to interject.

"I know. However, rest assured this decision is for the ultimate good and greater glory of our clan. Next to my consort, no one will be able to stop us! Our jointed power will start a new era of never before seen glories for the Lin Kuei! Because—".

"MASTER! BEWARE!"

Seven shurinken flew from totally different directions and all converged into the masked head of a red-clad figure who had just appeared behind Sub-Zero ready to pounce onto him. Sub-Zero gasped aloud as his attacker fell down at his feet, his head bleeding profusely.

And then, he yelled at his ninjas. "What have you done, fools? Did you think I would allow anyone to ambush me like that if I did not wish so? You have just struck my consort down!"

The Lin Kuei forces did a collective double take.

Ignoring them, Sub-Zero crouched down next to the masked man's body, gently probing it with a hand. "Beloved? Talk to me, beloved. Are you feeling well?"

And then, much to the clan's surprise, their target jumped back to his feet, pulling a shurinken out of his forehead. **"Well? WELL? Subby, your stupid Hand rejects just gave me the freakin' headache of the century! And I only wanted to give you a hug!"**

The stranger began to point a finger at random spots of the stunned audience. **"It was you, wasn't it? And you! And you back there! Yes, you! I saw you! Trying to look aside now won't help you, Mister!"**

"Please forgive them, Beloved. Most of them are young and don't know any better. The recent tournaments have decimated our elite ranks considerably..."

The nearest ninja to Sub-Zero stared at him in sheer disbelief. "Master, surely you jest...?"

"Comrade, a greater force than us, as powerful as fate itself, has brought us together" Sub-Zero sighed. "It is a very long, painful and intricate story... painful above everything else... Maybe someday I will have enough time to explain it to you. After I fully figure everything out myself."

**"Boy, I'm gonna have to knock some sense into you guys! By the way, Subby, maybe we should start the changes here with your nome de guerre. Below zero at the sack, ya ain't. Anyway, we're going to have to do something about those lame outfits. And you all should carry guns too. Hello! 21th Century calling! And after that, oh yeah, I had this wonderful idea we all should get into. I call it Capcom vs. Marvel vs. DC vs. Mortal Kombat, bayh-bee. We're gonna be RICHER! Hey, is that guy at the back of the place committing seppuku as I speak? Or is it harakiri? I never can tell those two apart. Oh, and you too? Hey, Subby! The guy next to the door has just made a whole red mess at your floor! Definitely, we'll have to discipline your Ginzu Boy Scouts better!"**

**Red Hulk/Squirrel Girl**

"I think we may have overdone it" she shyly squeeked, tightening the covers aginst her chest, sitting up and looking nervously all around.

**"Bah, nonsense!"** he laid back indifferently, crossing his legs and drawing in a deep, satisfied breath. A small piece of what little ceiling was left fell onto his head, but he didn't even notice it. **"So what if everyone heard it? I don't give a crap!".**

She shook her head, blushing. "Don't say that...! Oh my gosh, I think I'll die of embarrassment!" The bed squeaked one final, agonic time and it finally crumbled down under them. She sighed. He only laughed crassly.

All around the world, the seismographs finally calmed themselves down.

At the Baxter Building, Reed Richards looked at his readings and grimaced. Ben Grimm stood behind him flabbergasted. "Stretcho? I rarely see ya with that kinda face, and I never like what I hear after it..."

Reed ripped the piece of paper between his hands to shreds. "... No. I absolutely refuse to believe it at all. It goes against all laws of logic, physics and nature ever conceived."

At Latveria, Doctor Doom shuddered. "I have just felt... as if someone had just walked over Doom's grave..."

Elsewhere, She-Hulk perked up in a sudden, odd manner. "I feel... I feel like my one night stand with Juggernaut somehow isn't such a bad benchmark anymore!"

_**Kiri Komori/Majiru Itoshiki**__._

Matoi smiled happily as she served them tea. "If you wish for anything else, just tell me, please."

"Thank you," Kiri nodded politely, delicately grabbing her cup with her thin, pale hands. Sitting very close to her, Majiru nodded as well, still blushing.

At the other side of the table, Itoshiki-sensei sadly drank his tea before going into another despair-filled rant.

"I have failed as an uncle and tutor! And as a teacher as well! I have failed as a human being in all aspects of my pitiful existence! No, I definitely can't go on! Rin!" he addressed his sister, who was drinking rather indifferently. "From now on, you shall be the house's mistress in my absence! I only ask for my ashes to be thrown at the wind as far from Kitsu-san's house as possible!"

Matoi quickly swiped the loaded pistol from his hands as soon as he took it out of his right sleeve. "Sensei! You should be happy for your nephew and your pupil's newfound bliss. How couldn't you be?"

Itoshiki gave her a tired glare. "You only say that because it means less competition to you."

Matoi shrugged. "I only said why YOU should be happy, not why *I* should be happy."

Rin shook her head. "Brother dear, you are truly pitiful! You only are wounded because our nephew has proved to be more of a man than you!".

"I am not!" Nozomu protested. "I already knew he was more of a man than me, since long ago!".

"We all knew..." Majiru muttered under his breath. Matoi slapped him across the head from behind without missing a beat.

"Please, respect my fiancée," Kiri warned softly, looking up at her old rival.

"Sorry, my hand slipped!" Matoi rolled her eyes back.

Itoshiki sighed. "Regardless, Majiru-kun, where will you live now?"

Majiru blinked. "You mean we can't stay with you anymore, uncle?"

"Brother dear, Majiru-kun still is a spoiled, useless child, and Kiri-chan still is pathetic recluse with no laboral skills or competence to face the real world" Rin calmly offered. "You can't expect for them to make a life all of their own".

"I'd be thankful if you didn't defend us so much, Rin-sama," Kiri asked softly.

"They should have thought of that before I found them doing... doing... that!" Itoshiki despaired again. "What kind of moral are we sending to the people watching this show!"

"Has this show ever had morals?" Majiru was curious.

"Is anyone still watching this show?" Kiri asked as well.

Matoi frowned a bit. "I think Sensei is right. You two should move out so Sensei and me can live alone here, with no one to ever disturb us. So I finally can break into his room at night and-".

"On second thought, you two can stay" Itoshiki added hastily. "I almost acted like a heartless monster for a moment! The idea I could fall as low fills me with despair!"

"Thank you, Sensei" Kiri smiled warmly. Matoi scowled, but said nothing else.

Itoshiki laughed awkwardly for a moment, and Rin also laughed, much more relaxed. Then they all fell silent.

Until Kiri asked, "By the way, would it be a bother if we asked for a room for the baby as well?"

Itoshiki's eyes widened impossibly. "WHAT baby?"

Majiru turned to Matoi and Rin in a sudden hurry. "Quick! Hide all the rope, guns and pills in the house RIGHT NOW!"

**Optimus Prime and Garfield**

Jon Arbuckle squirmed uneasily on his seat for the tenth time in the last five minutes. And yet, next to him, Doctor Liz's face still betrayed no emotion at all.

"Well, that was a truly... unexpected story of how did you two meet" she said with an even voice, taking a few notes just enough to make any sense out of the situation. "Now, I must say I am thankful for the effort you take in consulting this with us. Considering how easily could you simply take the animal and stomp us flat before departing..."

"Liz! Please don't give him ideas!" Jon squeeked.

"There is no need to fear" the metallic giant sitting before them gently petting the cat's head with a hand several times larger than it said as politely as before. "The Autobots respect all human and animal life. You have such a beautiful planet it even equals the glories of Cybertron, even if in a fully different way. And of course..." he seemed to hesitate for a moment. Jon almost could have sworn the machine was... bashful? "Your beloved house pet is no small part of this world's wonders. This is what I have come to you with this formal request. I understand it is a normal custom between you to ask for the closest relatives or tutors' agreement in a legal engagement".

Jon blinked cluelessly. "You mean this is legal?".

Liz elbowed him in the stomach. "Thank you, Mister Prime. We really mean it. Now, I'm sure you'll understand too, as Garfield's veterinarian, it's my duty to worry about my patient's health. I must say I'm somewhat concerned about the... possible internal damage to his anatomy in direct... intimate contact".

"She means we're afraid you'll split him up by half" Jon said. "At least, that's what I think she said. I prefer not to think too much about it".

"Oh, there is no need to concern yourselves about that either. In our relationship, I strictly play the role of..." He paused, looking for the word in his databanks. He cocked his head slightly aside then to listen to some of Garfield's meowings. "Catcher? Thank you. Yes, 'catcher'. That is it".

"Whoa! I didn't need to know that much!" Jon recoiled back.

"I did" Liz deadpaned. "Now, you'll need to bring him to my clinic at least twice a month. He'll try to resist with all his might, but don't let him to overrule you. His cardiac condition also needs to be watched over constantly. He's supposed to be on a strict diet regime, and hopefully you'll be better suited to enforcing it than Mr. Arbuckle here—".

Jon buried his head between his hands. "If I only had known I'd be getting into this when I bought him that day..."

Garfield reached with a paw to pat Jon's right shoulder, smiling. _Look at it this way. You haven't lost a truck; you have gained a son-in-law..._

**Lolita.**

"Gee, D.W.," Launchpad said, "If I didn't know you any better, I'd almost say you're personally jealous over Gosalyn's friends."

The downright murderous, Negaduck-worthy stare his friend shot him was more than enough to silence him.

Odd. Had he just blushed under the mask?

**The Light of Our Eyes.**

"Without you, our days would be much darker," Negaduck angrily told Megavolt. "That isn't intended to be praise, by the way."

**Futility**

That night, after the funeral, Scott heard knocks at the door. It was Jean's soft way of knocking. He ran for the door, thinking she might be back, somehow.

But it was only the heavy rain rapping on the door.

_(Author's Note: __Yeah, I'm well aware of the irony here…)_

**Alielle Relryle and the entire female cast of Vandread**

The three men sat together quietly sipping their plates of soup.

'Quietly' being the key word. Duero finally reacted to this by slightly aiming his spoon towards the youngest one of the trio.

"Hibiki-san?"

"Yeah?" he grumbled.

"You have been rather... oddly moody ever since the young newcomer arrived" the doctor noted calmly. Next to him, Bart had slightly perked up, stopping his eating to curiously look at the other two.

"What the hell are you saying?" Hibiki looked at the medic through narrowed eyes. "I'm just like always."

"No, you aren't," Duero insisted, firm but gentle.

"No, you definitely aren't," Bart agreed with a nod.

"You stay out of this!" Hibiki barked before facing Duero again. "And even if I were, what would it have to do with that crazy brat?"

Bart chuckled. "Well, it's just Dita has started to spend more time following her than following you..." he cagily said.

"So what? All the better for me" the pilot snorted, sinking his spoon into his plate once more. "And besides, you're wrong. It's the brat who keeps following Dita around".

"And Parfait-san" Duero observed.

"And Meia," Bart noted, impressed. "What's more, Meia actually tolerates her a lot."

"For some reason, however, she doesn't seem as attracted to BC-san" Duero seemed intrigued. "When I asked her, she only shrugged and said she somehow felt something wrong about her".

"Wait, you went and actually asked her?" Hibiki blinked.

"Of course I did. I find her to be a fascinating study subject. I believe there is something simply unusual about her unusual amounts of... energy."

"What's so strange about her energy? She isn't that much active than Dita," Hibiki arched an eyebrow.

"No, not that kind of energy. You obviously haven't heard to the Mejere's conversations about her. They constantly talk about her... unusually high amorous performance behind closed doors".

Hibiki made a shocked face. "That's-That's just sick!"

Duero smirked a bit. "Remind me never to tell you about the Captain's stories about her then."

"BAD MENTAL IMAGE!" Hibiki put his hands over his ears. "BAD MENTAL IMAGE!"

Right then, Bart blinked as the men all saw a giggling Paiway running away before them, covering herself with a bed sheet and being pursued by the stark naked newcomer, who giggled just as much and was completely oblivious to the men they passed by next. They were gone as soon as they had arrived.

For a moment, the whole dining room was eerily silent.

Then Hibiki buried his face into his soup.

Duero continued eating as if nothing had happened.

Bart looked aside shaking his head. "When did I become the only sane person in this forsaken spaceship?"

**Separation Anxiety.**

"It's not you, really. It's just the pathologically jealous and possessive alien symbiote grafted to my being, " Peter said.

"Riiiiiight..." Mary Jane rolled her green eyes.

**Convenience**

_My dear son, my Anakin._

_As I see you depart once again, I think of how much you have grown, and of how much have you changed under his tutelage._

_Back then, when you first left me, I kept going on the true hope you were going to be a man of good, even if your physical absence pained me so much. That all changed when Senator Palpatine came one day, claiming he had looked for me for months, to pay whatever thanks he could to the brave boy who had helped the Republic so much. He bought my freedom from Wattoo, and told me I could go wherever I wanted from there. But of course, I had nowhere to go._

_So he gave me a job and a beautiful place as one of his aides. It was then when I started loving him. He was so heroic, so charismatic, so noble and wellspoken. I couldn't even believe he would be nice enough to offer me a new life... much less a life at his side. The day he made me his wife was the second happiest day of my life, after your birth._

_For some years, we were so happy I truly believed it never would end._

_But then, slowly, so very slowly, he started to change... although my mind, unlike my heart, knows he never really changed: he just was showing the true colors he had kept hidden. He grew colder, more distant, and so did you. As his grip over the Republic tightened and tightened, his grip on my arm became more and more oblivious, more infrequent. I watched, impotently, how he rose to even greater heights of power, with you always at his side, even after you lost Padme. No, even __more__ after you lost Padme. After all, everything you were left with were your father and me._

_Me._

_And then I knew it: he never had loved me at all. He had just kept me as a tool to use you as another tool of his never ending greed, his boundless perfidy, his grotesque ambition. And even now, sitting here alone... no, never alone- the guards watch over, just like always, just out of my sight, but never far enough to fool me... before my window, seeing you leaving to join his side again, I silently despair, knowing I'll never be able to tell you the truth. I know what would he do then, and I don't even wish to think about it._

_Not that you'd listen to me in any case. But even so, my dear Anakin, my only child, I'll never stop loving you._

_And the worst part is, I'll never stop loving him either._


	2. Chapter 2

Inspired by Shadow Crystal Mage's _**Love Stories.**_Again,although I'm afraid my offering this year has a somewhat more cynical bent for the most part. Don't blame me, I didn't have a good year!

_Dragon Ball, Boku wa Tomodachi ga Sukunai, The Slayers, Fate Stay Night, Fate Zero, Spongebob Squarepants, Superman, Mickey Mouse, Mahou Sensei Negima, Super Mario Bros, Winnie the Pooh, Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei, To Love Ru, Urusei Yatsura, The Idolmaster _and_ Love Hina _are all owned by their respective creators and copyright holders.

I'm making absolutely no money out of this.

Thanks to everyone around the Internet who inspired these stories, from Yeoman to Legato and beyond.

Have a happy Valentine.

* * *

><p><strong>Not Even in my Deathbed.<strong>

"What do you want me to tell you, huh?" he asked. "That I love you? That's what you'd want, right? I can't believe it. Me, telling you I love you. What, not blowing the planet up and not killing all those idiots, plus enduring your nagging all these years, all that wasn't enough for you? No, so now I must tell you I love you. Well, tough, woman, because I'm not going to tell you 'I love you'. No way you'll hear an 'I love you' from me! Not even Kakarott would ever be that sappy, and he's a subdued idiot. So you can stay there waiting forever for that 'I love you'. Yeah, you heard me right..."

He seethed for a few moments, with his face strangely red and sweaty, before placing a hand on the gravestone and whispering something his son couldn't hear from where he waited, way back.

Then the short man turned around crisply, grumbled a somber "Goodbye, " and began walking away.

Trunks walked next to him with a small melancholic smile. "I'm glad you finally could tell her, even if she always kne—"

"I didn't!" his father snapped quickly.

* * *

><p><strong>Meta.<strong>

Yozora had lost in scissors-paper-stone, so she had been left with the portable console to play while Sena used the clubroom's TV and PS3. The fact those also had been bought and brought by Sena helped too.

"You know," Yozora grunted, "there's something that has always bothered me about these stupid galge. If you're playing a guy, and you're a mean bastard to girls, you'll end up justifiably alone and loveless, right?"

"Ah-hah. Or stabbed if you mess up really bad, " Sena agreed for once, since she was too hypnotized by her own dating sim to find a reason to argue.

"Well, that's great, but like half the bitches to woo in this shit are just as bad if not worse. Dating your rival as soon as your compatibility points go down, verbally abusing you at the drop of a hat, acting all selfish and arrogant, like they're better than everyone else."

"Yeah, that's really annoying," Sena agreed once again with a vacant nod. Hell froze.

"And yet, they never pay for it!" Yozora hissed. "Either you drag yourself through the mud to marry them, only to surely be left penniless by them a few years after when you divorce, or you end up alone while they continue being beautiful, airheaded and beloved by everyone despite being useless bags of shit! Man, this pisses me off!"

"Yeah, and when they aren't bitches, they are spineless doormats who only live to please others. It's disgusting, " Sena commented as Yukimura served her tea without a word. "I hate that kind of stupid extremes. But at least galge give you some chances to date the odd normal or funny and friendly lively girl. In anime and manga, it's always the bitch who wins."

"Yeah, but those routes are hard to find in the first place, " Yozora frowned while Rika walked before her to go pick some books up. "And they're always the shortest too. Like the developers want to railroad you into suffering through the bitch's and the doormat's route instead of going off the beaten path."

Kodaka sighed. "Why don't we start buying fighting games then? You can play those online, so we could make some—"

"Don't interrupt!-!" Sena and Kodaka yelled at him at once. Then they turned their attentions back to their games.

"Someone should already make an option to see those domineering no good bitches old and alone at the game's end," Yozora mused. "It'd be very cathartic..."

"Oh ho ho, you were bound to have a good idea at some random day, Weasel..." Sena mocked her.

"Shut up, Meat."

Sixty years later, Yozora picked up her cup of tea and gave a tired sigh. "I feel so alone..."

"I'm still here, old weasel," Sena wheezed across the table, frowning at her.

"It's still the same thing, you piece of flaccid meat with droopy breasts," Yozora muttered. "Living with no one but a nagging old witch like you is such a bore..."

"Hey, that's my line...!"

They kept on mumbling to themselves for a few moments, until a wrinkled hand rested on top of another. It didn't matter who had done it, who was on top this time, or exactly why.

At least they weren't alone.

* * *

><p><strong>Archer.<strong>

It had been said to be a great old spell that would bring forth a familiar of sorts of great power, to be eligible for an even greater prize in a bloody contest of champions. Lina Inverse cared little about familiars, and she was sure she could have fought in that 'Holy Grail War' by herself just fine, but the rules in the arcane tome had been clear: No Servant, no Grail to be obtained. So she performed the ceremony as stated in the yellowed pages.

Now, a blond giant of untold beauty and majesty stood before her, dwarfing her with his size. For the first few moments, Lina only could stand aghast of how handsome he was, even more than Gourr-

Then, just like that person, he had to break the spell (the figurative one, not the one that had brought him) by talking.

"You, child. Are you the one who called for me?"

"What? I'm no child! And do you see anyone else around? It's obvious I'm your Master, isn't it?-!"

"Hmph," he sneered, looking at her with nothing but cold contempt. "Do you have no idea who have you brought forth, flat chested infant? Gilgamesh, mightiest of all champions, King of Kings and Hero Amongst Heroes, calls no one 'Master'!"

Lina booted him in the crotch, which much to her disappointment was just as armored (or maybe simply just as strong) as the rest of his body. Still, she had kicked enough hard things in her life, so against his own expectations, she didn't yell in pain, but anger. "Know your place, Servant! I'm Lina Inverse, the best dark magic user of them all! The Bandit Killer! The mightiest sorceress Zephiria has ever produced, and I won't be-!"

He yawned petulantly. "My place is wherever I go, and wherever I have any interest on owning. And what is that Zephiria you speak of, child? It truly must be a backwater land, if I never heard of it. Perhaps I left its conquest to one of my lesser generals. Does it produce anything but shrieking children with no brains?"

"DRAG SLAVE!" she cried out.

"What a bore-!" he said.

They ended up conquering the world and having seven children.

Amelia thought they made a cute couple, which they always denied.

* * *

><p><strong>Super.<strong>

By the time he finally became old and graying, Earth itself was nothing but a memory. Absorbing centuries of yellow sun radiation, he had become an all but literal god, even with age finally catching up to him. Everyone in the universe who didn't respect or love him feared him.

Yet, no female who ever came close to him was loved back the way they hoped. Not once through all those centuries.

Sometimes, someone would dare asking him what had been so special about that woman who had died so long ago. What had been so unique about her. He had met them stronger and braver, kinder and smarter, more generous and more driven. She had been all of those things, true, but there always had been someone superior to her in some if not all of them.

So why her? Why it always had to be about her?

And then he would just smile, not in his usual bright and confident way, but in a smaller, softer one. The smile of a man, not of a living god made flesh.

"She was Lois," he would say.

For him, that was more than enough.

* * *

><p><strong>Father's Love.<strong>

Negi, always the hopeful about fatherly love, sat down with a small smile on his lips. "I know he'll come back for us. He won't let us down! Someday, somehow, he will return to us."

Asuna sighed as she sat down next to him, her hand on his. "I'm telling you, we're discontinued forever. He'll never write or draw us again..."

Even so, she kept waiting with Negi. Even if it was forever.

* * *

><p><strong>Definition.<strong>

"Tell me, what is this 'love' thing about?" he asked, scratching his head clumsily.

Now, he knew Pooh was a dumb old bear and it often took a while explaining things to him. So Christopher Robin just hugged him, very tightly against himself.

And for once, his dumb old friend understood quickly. "Ah..."

* * *

><p><strong>Reasons.<strong>

"Why do you keep rescuing her, even when you know she won't ever reward you, and she'll never go the same lengths you go for her, huh? Huh?-!" he growled, towering over him ominously, breathing cascades of steaming hot air down on him.

"The same-a reason why you keep-a kidnapping her instead-a of just taking the easy-a way and just destroying the kingdom-a?" the tiny man still could smile up at him in defiant answer.

The giant beast was taken aback for a moment before just looking aside and huffing gruffly. "Dames!"

* * *

><p><strong>Coping.<strong>

"Mickey?" Goofy walked in after finally finding the spare key under the welcome mat. It had taken him only two hours. "We've been all—Garsh, Minnie!-? I thought you were—"

"It's me, Goofy, " 'she' sadly said with a voice not her own.

He blinked a few times, unable to get it.

* * *

><p><strong>Comparison.<strong>

"My darling, " Lum started proudly, "is a man amongst men, hot blooded and passionate-tcha!"

"My Rito, " Lala countered, "is kind, gentle and a true gentleman!"

For a few moments they stared at each other, in tense silence, and Benten and Zastin feared that would be the start of yet another Oni-Deviluke war.

Lum sighed sadly. "He goes after every woman but me-tcha."

Lala followed suit. "He doesn't even go after other women..."

"I feel so needy...!" they bawled, before hugging each other tightly.

After a few moments, they started to kiss...

Benten and Zastin looked at each other, perplexed, then just shrugged.

And so the Oni and Deviluke empires were brought together.

* * *

><p><strong>Father's Love, Part 2.<strong>

Itoshiki Nozomu hugged Kumeta-sensei. "Thank you, Father, for giving me an ending full of love and closure, unlike the one Negi-sensei got from his father."

Kumeta was startled. "I thought I was screwing your life u— Oh," he quietly said, noticing all the girls standing vigilantly behind Itoshiki, watching over the encounter. Chiri had the spade in her hands. Kumeta laughed weakly and patted Itoshiki's back. "Silly boy...! Of course I wouldn't leave you alone and loveless, ever...!"

* * *

><p><strong>Nightmare Fuel.<strong>

Patrick gently caressed Spongebob's face as he took him from behind...

* * *

><p><strong>Nightmare Fuel Unleaded.<strong>

"For you," Caster gently said as he gestured towards the huge pile of mangled bodies stitched together.

"Ah! You remembered!" Ryuunosuke sighed, his cheeks gaining a bright pink tone. "Oh, and some of them are still squirming!"

His Servant nodded. "Yes. I thought you would want to be left a few ones for yourself."

The young man smiled. "Oh, you're so kind. But before we do that..."

The sound of eighties porn music began to sound as Ryuunosuke reached for his belt.

"... How do you call it? Mana recharge?"

One of the still living kids in the pile looked at the corpse stitched to him and bitterly mumbled, "Lucky guy."

* * *

><p><strong>Return.<strong>

Producer-san was happy for them even after they left, one by one, aiming higher as their careers took flight. Naturally, he wasn't going to blame them. They couldn't be expected to stay behind in a small agency that just didn't progress as fast as they did, when their relatives and loved ones began pushing them to go for better contracts.

He kept working just as hard anyway. Because he loved his job all the same, and it still felt good helping others.

Then that night Haruka returned to their doorstep. Even while she still was at the peak of her popularity, she came back to them, smiling awkwardly.

"I realized," she said, "I haven't ever felt better than when I was here."

She followed that with a pause and a soft, "With you."

He smiled and welcomed her back.

* * *

><p><strong>Ultimate Proof of Love.<strong>

Well, she had done it. She hadn't wanted it to end that way, but somehow, after so many years of marriage, Keitaro's body had finally become frail enough for it.

After drying her tears, she looked down again at his still body, then slowly looked up at the two holes in the ceiling, the exit one and the re-entry one.

She lowered her head, sighing with the utmost sadness. She trudged over to their bedroom, wrote a loving final note for their sons and grandchildren, and left it on their nightstand.

She walked back to her husband's body, tenderly kissed his forehead, stood right over it, gathered all of her remaining strength, and Naru-punched herself.

* * *

><p>See you next year, I hope.<p> 


	3. Chapter 3

Inspired by Shadow Crystal Mage's **_Love Stories. _**Although I wish my takes could be as idealistic and sweet as his...

_Mahou Sensei Negima, Cowboy Bebop, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Scooby-Doo, Crisis on Infinite Earths, The Powerpuff Girls, Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei, Fate Stay Night, The Smurfs, School Days, Excel Saga, Mai Hime, The Human Centipede, Batman, Ranma One Half, Zero no Tsukaima, Spider-Man, UQ Holder _and_ Batman Beyond _are all owned by their respective creators and copyright holders.

I'm making absolutely no money out of this.

Thanks to Darkenning by supplying the opening lines for the _Decadent Habits_ segment.

Have a happy Valentine.

* * *

><p><strong>Unequal Balance.<strong>

A balance is always a delicate, often awkward, thing to achieve. Chisame had to suffer a lot to reach that between her normal life and Chiu's. And once she had settled on her dual groove, of course, Hakase had to be pushed into her existence, as her demented roommate, to throw her off. It was really annoying, for her secret to fall to that weird girl she had just met, right after Chisame had successfully fought with tooth and claw to keep her siblings out of it.

Still, always a fighter in her own way, and as stubborn as they come, Chisame persevered ahead and kept her dream going. Hakase didn't seem to mind at all, and for slightly longer than one year, they lived together in relative harmony. Until he was thrusted upon them.

Negi Springfield. Their new teacher. A prodigy child. The only prodigious thing about him, Chisame thought, was how she could restrain herself from strangling him, especially once he learned her secret. And then she learned his, and somehow, things got even worse. He was a mage, the pinnacle of strangeness, something that shouldn't have existed, much less near Chisame. She never stood a chance, living with both of them. They drove her mad. They plucked her away from sanity and peace, from the cool calm of her recluse life. They shattered her world and clumsily glued it together, and in trade, they asked for a lot of help.

She helped Negi to fight bloodthirsty vampires. To rescue her classmates. To combat a genius from the future. And a demon lord. She helped him to save a whole world they had no obligations with, for little to no reward. She helped him find his parents.

She never wanted for or asked for anything in return, but to be left alone, in peace.

But she never got her wish. They never went away.

Well, he tried once or twice or thrice, claiming not wanting to endanger them anymore, but she, only to satisfy Hakase, of course, would go after him, catch him, and drag him back, scolding him all the way home. That, she had to admit, was a pleasant part of it. Yelling at him, at them, never got old.

And somehow, they seemed to enjoy playing their part on it as well.

It was all part of the balance, even if outside onlookers did always find it unfair...

* * *

><p><strong>Worth?<strong>

"Are you happy now?" Faye dragged the words in a low murmur, standing before the modest grave. "Here's where love led you to. An early grave, without a single woolong to your name, leaving no family or legacy behind, with no one even caring you ever were here, but a police dropout and a chronic gambler. Was that woman worth that much?"

The huge man standing behind her sighed as he lit another cigarette. "Faye. Maybe she brought him death, but before that, even if only shortly, she also brought him the little share of real life he ever had. He would do it again if he could. With no regrets."

She snorted bitterly. "I don't doubt that. But do you really think that made this any less pointless?"

"It never was supposed to be about it having a point or not, I guess."

"Yeah. I suppose you're right there."

They stood in silence then.

* * *

><p><strong>Long Ago.<strong>

Two alicorns, two princesses older than the rebuilt majestic city sprawling under them, sat together on their crystal balcony, in quiet contemplation, as they did every anniversary of his departure.

"Do you still love him?"

"As much as you do."

They didn't need to ask or answer, and they both knew it too well. Still, just asking and answering made them feel better about it.

They smiled, however, because any pain was small compared to the joy in those shared memories. A husband, a brother. A precious link between them even now, after so long. Another of the many they had, but perhaps still the most cherished.

Each one ran a foreleg over the other's shoulders and let it rest there.

Somewhere, he was just as happy, no doubt.

* * *

><p><strong>Trapped.<strong>

I have known that person since our shared childhood. We weren't exactly THE best friends, but we always knew we could count on each other despite being polar opposites. I have serious problems expressing my gratitude, and my feelings in general, I guess, but that doesn't mean they aren't there.

I'm kind of trapped there, which is ironic, considering my tastes, ones some could say I'm a bit... obsessed with. I know my feelings aren't known, much less requited, even if that person knew. At the same time, another of my friends, who also means a lot to me, but in a merely platonic and familiar way, you know, keeps sending those vibes towards me, and although I can cope so far by playing dumb, I know I can't keep it forever.

Her lovely, yet terribly shallow and hollow blue eyes remain on me as I explain the plan for the night. A hand on a hip, calculatingly enticing but with taste, since she isn't as dumb as she looks, but she also has very clear limits and measure. This is always so awkward.

The third member of our party stands with her hands behind her back, a tight face. I think she knows. She would have to. She's far too smart not to know. I know she had designs for that person as well, even if they are as hopeless as mine, and even if we respect each other too much despite it. It's kinda funny, isn't it, how the most longed for person in our midst isn't the lovable Prom Queen, the perfect all american girl, but the gangly, clumsy, strangely endearing weirdo who-

Control, control. I keep the perfect forced smile. The dog sneezes once. I don't suspect the dog the same way my sort-of-rival does, that would be ridiculous, but even so, the sneeze is an unwelcome reminder of the emotional farce I have to keep. Again, a fitting irony, given our line of job relies on unmasking farces and scams...

"Okay, Shaggy, Scoob, you'll check the clock tower. Daphne, Velma, you'll come with me to the watchman's cabin and see if he's still there..."

I can't allow him wander away into the darkness with a girl, after all.

If I'm trapped in this, so is he.

* * *

><p><strong>The Power of Love.<strong>

Standing before the combined might of the last desperate alliance of heroes and villains alike at the Dawn of Time itself, the all powerful Anti Monitor stood defiantly, arms outstretched in a deadly invitation. "Come to me then, and be undone! I have crushed all of your patethic attempts, one after another! Do you really think this will be any different? If so, why, I ask of you before your deaths?"

The tiny Angel Trainee with long blond hair pointed at him with a finger. "Because we will defeat you... with the Power of Love!"

After a long, tense silence from both sides, the Anti-Monitor's face met his handpalm. "Oh, please. Out of all the hackened replies to such an admittedly cliched query, you couldn't think of a better one before I crush the existence itself out of you?"

"Eeeehhhhh?!" Flonne cried. "Why do you say that?-!"

"The Power of Love!" the Anti-Monitor pointed back. "That tired, flaccid lie! Let us assume, for a moment, such a contrived, weak willed emotion could be harvested as a powerful weapon. Do you think any of you understands love?"

"And do you?" Negi asked.

"Of course I do! I have observed you mortals and immortals alike, across all the dimensions and timelines! I know well what do you take for 'love' to justify your base selfish passions! Besides, I have been married three times!"

Tokiha Mai blinked. "... well. That's a curveball."

Anti-Monitor pointed a finger at Tsunetsuki Matoi. "What you call 'love' is nothing but deranged obsession!" And to Marge Simpson. "Fear of remaining alone making you chain yourself to a nightmarish mate!" And to Saotome Ranma and Tendo Akane. "Childish petty carnal attraction that cannot even survive the first tests of jealousy and distrust!"

"I'd never be carnally attracted to an uncute-" Ranma began protesting right before being vaporized.

Anti-Monitor pointed at Belldandy and Keiichi. "Self-pampering immature coexistence with disturbing artificially induced impotence!" To Urashima Keitaro. "Massochism!" To Flash Sentry. "Waifu theft! All of you, one way or another, are moved by your own pathetically disguised selfish desires and interests! Even the love between a child and their mother is born from a need to be protected, and a need to reinforce a sense of self worth! You cannot defeat ME with a disgusting emotional clutch that only talks of your own weakness! More than half of you won't ever be able to admit your feelings, and the other half won't recognize others' feelings for you! So tell me, then, why should I fear that excuse for a feeling you use as your security pillow!"

"CARE BEAR STA

He vaporized the colorful cute bears arranged before him before they could blast him.

"Well, fuck," someone in the back of the crowd muttered.

Powerpuff Girl Blossom stepped ahead with a condescending sigh, hands-flipped clasped together. "Mr. Monitor, please. Yes, it might be true all love is, at its roots, born from a primal human-animal-alien-mutant-sentient machine-other need to feel emotional gratification from contact with others. However, that doesn't make it any less worthy than your own emotional need to lord over your superiority through our collective destruction and subsequent boasting over the absolute vacuum left on the wake. Because it is thanks to love that the ultimate force in the Omniverse was created. The one true unparalleled and irresistible juggernaut that crushes all evil under its heel! The secret that makes life ultimately worth living, because even if you haven't ever tried it yourself, or even know of its existence, somewhere, within our souls, we all unconsciously hope and dream for it! We have that, and you don't! And that is why! You'll! Never! Win!"

Her sisters gasped at once. "YOU MEAN-!"

"Yes! Hostess Fruit Pies, the delicious treat to enjoy with a loved one, created from love filled hands charting a better future for all!" she said, whipping out some.

The Anti-Monitor stood pefectly still, rattled by a silence as huge as the abyss of nothingness... and then, slowly, tears began drifting down the blackness of his eyes.

And the Omniverse restarted in sweet bliss and happiness.

* * *

><p><strong>Kuniya and Kaga: A Zetsubou Sensei 4-Koma Romance<strong>.

Panel 1: Horribly dressed boy meets pathologically apologetic girl.

Panel 2: Horribly dressed boy falls for pathologically apologetic girl.

Panel 3: Pathologically apologetic girl falls for depressive suicidal teacher.

Panel 4: "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Kuniya-kun, but I'm marrying Itoshiki-sensei along Hitou-san, Otonashi-san, Fujiyoshi-san, Komori-san, Tsunetsuki-san, Kitsu-san, Kimura-san, Seikutsu-san and Kobushi-san!"

Hidden Fifth Panel: Horribly dressed DARKNESS!

* * *

><p><strong>I Like You Better This Way.<strong>

Rin smiled and playfully ruffled Shirou's newly bleached down white hair. "See? You look better like this, after all."

And she briefly pecked his lips.

Saber disagreed, but it wasn't like she was going to make a fuss over it...

* * *

><p><strong>A Fanservice Romance<strong>.

"It can't be!" Nyantype tearfully told Megami Magazine. "Our editorials will always oppose! They'll chase us to the ends of the world! They'll never let us be!"

"We'll escape together!" Megami insisted. "To a faraway land where we can rest forever together, sharing our images until we are one, and no one can say where one ends and the other begins!"

"You mean..."

"Yes! Danbooru!"

"..."

"... what? Don't you like the idea?"

"You could at least have invited me to a respectable bookshelf!"

* * *

><p><strong>Polyamory.<strong>

It was a very difficult ongoing task of love to carry through, but Smurfette just didn't have the heart to let any of them down...

* * *

><p><strong>It's Better This Way.<strong>

Makoto pondered the offer for a few moments, then smiled sadly. "No, I'm sorry. I can't do it. Thank you anyway, Saionji."

Sekai recoiled, startled. "Ehhh?-! But, but why would you? Are you that cowardly, or...?-!"

He shrugged. "Perhaps. Mostly, though, I'm just wary I'll hurt Kotonoha-san. I know myself. Sorry, really. One way or another, we all would end up regretting it, and I care too much for Kotonoha-san for that. See you tomorrow, Saionji."

He turned around and walked away, never looking back.

Sekai ended up sighing to herself. "What the heck's wrong with men nowadays?"

Best early Game Over ever.

* * *

><p><strong>Il Palazzo's Woe.<strong>

He wondered what was going wrong with him. Each time, it was growing more and more difficult to pull on that rope.

* * *

><p><strong>Kotonoha and Shizuru: A Love Story.<strong>

Holding a blood drenched knife, she eerily smiled at her.

Holding a blood drenched naginata, she eerily smiled back.

And they lived happily ever after, at least until Natsuki had to put her best friend out of her misery, and that made Katsura-san evaporate into green sparkles.

"Strange, " Natsuki mused sadly, seeing the sparkles rise into the breeze, "I was half-expecting for her to... like me better."

* * *

><p><em>Mini Epilogue:<em>

Checking into Katsura-san's bags just in case, Natsuki cringed in disgust. "Geh! So THAT is what happened to Itou-san!"

* * *

><p><strong>The Power of Love Saves The Human Centipede!<strong>

The specialist paused during his calculations.

"Mein Gott, what am I doing?" he told himself. "I can't do zis to ze human race, to my fellow man!"

He ran up the stairs, tossed his windows open, and looked at the bright world outside, where the birds chirped, flew and nestled. Where the children played in the parks, and even God's most pitiful creatures had, at least for a while, a fighting chance.

Doctor Heiter spread his arms open. "I'm sorry, world! I'm sorry, mankind! It took me looking at ze deepest pit of my insanity to realize how wrong I was! From now on, I'll work for ze true betterment of all living creatures!"

Then, during that heated declaration of love for the world at large, he stumbled ahead, fell off the window, and plummeted to his death.

He'd have gone back on his word, though, so don't think of this as a downer ending...

* * *

><p><strong>The Power of Love Saves Decadent Habits!<strong>

"I suppose I shouldn't really have expected these to fool you, of all people, with these," he said, touching his hand to the spectacles' frames.

"Not when your face is indelibly etched in my memories," Arika agreed steadily.

Ayaka, who had clearly been spooked by the sound of the old man's laughter, took a few quick steps that brought her to the side of Asuna and Arika before turning to face him. "Grandfather, you are behaving very strangely all of a sudden," she said with feigned calm. "May I ask how it is that you know Arika-san?"

"Let us dispense with the absurdities," he sighed. "You are not the daughter of Yukihiro Teruo, and so should not call me grandfather. I'm sorry, actually, although even such a crime is one of my lesser shames at this point. Teruo's father was dying, but he still was not ready to take the reins of the company, so we agreed on this farce. Back then, I still harbored dark hopes of using you as tools in my bid to reclaim what I foolishly lost. However, I have come to realize the grave errors of my ways. By being forced to live with a family, I realized how I had done away with mine just to satisfy my selfish desires!"

Asuna blinked. "Say what...?"

The old man gestured grandly, because even IF he wasn't evil anymore, he still was a ham. "I saw you grow happy and healthy, playing with the daughter I cruelly threw away from my arms! I felt your parents' pain when they lost their own child, and I came to realize my own self-brought miseries were naught in comparison. Yet I couldn't reach over to you, or any of your younger sisters, and I also spent years thinking my firstborn, the one I had wronged the most, to be dead. I carried that as my cross, my deserved punishment, but now, learning of your mother's survival, I cannot continue hiding anymore! Arika!" he said, kneeling before her. "My life is in your hands now. Strike me down now if you feel you must, and no one will judge you after all I ever did. My fortune will be divided betwen all of you, my children. Oh, and I think you should know, last night, I stopped the Senate's hired killer before she could strike at you. You will find her safely chained in my premises..."

Asuka blinked some more, then looked at her mother's unreadable face. "Um... mom...?"

Arika sneered, then slammed a foot down on her father's head. "You worm! Do you think I will allow you escape your penance so easily? You will have to spend the rest of your life compensating us for all you did!"

And so he did. He helped Arika to coordinate the dynamics of Negi's stable, and by leading with the example of forgiveness and humility, they even managed to make Chisame and Nodoka make up (and out) as friends. When the HiME Festival came forth, the united power of the HiME and Ala Alba moved even the cold heart of the Obsidian Prince, who decided recalling the HiME Star and using his power for mankind's benefit. They later stopped Asakura Ryoko's scheming and brought her to a heartwarming reconciliation with Nagato, convinced Suzumiya Haruhi about the worth of the world's existence, and brought the Deviluke to peaceful harmony with Mundus Magicus and Vetus. At some point they stopped the Grail War too. Together, the Great Alliance Ala Alba had become brought a long lasting golden age of prosperity to the worlds, spanning several generations...

But most importantly, there also was hot abundant sex in all the possible combinations!

* * *

><p>Chizuno Masuto sat back, relaxed, letting the computer keyboard go. "Aaaaaand it's done! Man, I surpassed myself this time!"<p>

Senou Kaede hummed suspiciously. "I don't know... Are you sure Kageyama won't flip out over your changing her story? The saga she literally spent years working on?"

Masuto laughed. "Of course not! We're good buddies! I'm sure she'll like it!"

The room's door was slammed open from the outside, and in stormed a pink haired girl with a huge axe and glowing demonic eyes. "WHAT'S THAT I HEARD ABOUT YOU CHANGING MY WHOLE OUTCOME, YOU-?!"

"Run," Senou adviced.

So Masuto did. Not that he got too far...

* * *

><p><strong>Train Man Retold.<strong>

He traveled every day in the same train to the very same job, mechanically grabbing the shapely women all around him just because he had to.

Fat Ugly Netorare-kun worked at Doujinco as part of the Fat Ugly Netorare Squad in charge of H-scenes while the chaste Main MCs watched. At first it had been exhilarating and great, not because of the sex itself, but because of the overpowering feeling of revenge against a society that always had shunned him because of his fat ugly appearance. It had been good, to finally hve the upper hand on those handsome fellows who got all the girls. That aws until he learned those guys were gay, castrated or just plain asexual (it was the only way they could go through their own jobs without snapping) and his world plummeted.

That had been ten years ago. Ever since, Fat Ugly Netirare-kun sleepwalked through his gray life, heading every morning in the same train to the same filming lot to do the same things to a roster of interchangeable fanservice archetypes. Just to pay the bills. The funny thing was, he couldn't find himself an actual girlfriend yet. Chisame-chan and him had remained good pals after the Negimaru series, but it was only a platonic online relationship. Sometimes she would cheer him up, bringing up how he at least still had a job.

It always was that way; once a series ended, they were cruelly forgotten to be pushed aside by the next fad. Only them, the faceless and timeless stock characters, remained. Fat Ugly Netorare-kun had tried dating a few of those stock background featureless characters for crowd scenes, but they always had been so shallow and empty...

Today, he would have to do a last job with the Oreimo girls before their streak of post-ending fame vanished. He wasn't looking forward to it. That Kirino, what an arrogant bitch. And Ayase-san, so frigid. Kanako-san was actually kind of nice off panel, but she rarely got any scheduled action with him...

Then he first saw it, just as vacantly groping girls at the other end of the car. So tall, so curvy, so graceful in its motions.

It heard his awed gasp, and it looked back at him with its sole eye. It was love at first sight. They both paused, the shrieking women forgotten.

That day, Fat Ugly Netorare-kun met Tentacle-san. And a great love story started.

* * *

><p><strong>Return of The Son of The Revenge of Only Sane Man III.<strong>

It was just another average day. Wake up. Brush his many, many, yellowed teeth that looked like piano keys drawn by Tim Sale. Kill a few guys before breakfast, just to keep himself in shape. Have breakfast. Head out for the job. Passing by next to the neighbors' door.

"Good morning, Negi, rest of the fictional Omniverse in Negi's harem," he blandly greeted without looking back, as the door flew open and the usual gaggle of neighbors stumbled together out of the apartment, most of them falling on top of the boy mage as they dressed up in hurries, complaining about being Late for School or the job or wherever they would be spending the rest of the day.

"Good mornin', Mistah J!" his ex-girlfriend gleefully waved, managing to speak clearly despite holding the same loaf of bread Ayanami Rei was also holding with her own teeth, from where they tried to disentangle themselves from between Nanoha and Fate. N, not that Fate.

Her ex just ignored her this once. It wasn't like it ached or anything, no sir, but it was a matter of the sole principle he had!

He went down to the parking lot, grabbed his stylish purple and green car with a giant ram piece shaped like his head, and drove off to the workplace trying his best to ignore the boy flying on a staff, all the Monkey King derivates zooming by riding clouds, the Mach 5, the witches on brooms, the young pilots in giant mecha, Dudley Do-Right on his trusty steed, the schoolgirls in the Panzers, Archie's old jalopy, the yellow and oh-so-ninja-stealthy Turtle Van, the damn freaking Spidermobile, Naruto on his giant toad, the cowboys spurring their horses, the caped duck on the bigass motorcycle, Saber in a kickass black suit on a silly looking metal lion with Shirou, Assassin driving a temple, the three Lolis in the Bersercar, Irisviel playing Demolition Derby with Yukari, Misato and Seta, and most painful of it all, the Batmobile, all leaving the parking lot after him.

He didn't regret remaining a golden bachelor, to laugh at the trap of love he had dodged so masterfully. But damn, he really had to look for another place to live already...

* * *

><p><strong>A Sister's Love.<strong>

Keeping your whole life quiet about your real feelings? She was a Japanese woman, after all. It came out naturally to her. She knew their older sister knew, but she also knew she would never confront her on them, either. She was just too old fashioned. She would do nothing but waiting for those troubling feelings the middle sister had for the youngest to pass.

Taking copious amounts of pictures of your loved one, often in states of undress? Not something that was too healthy, she knew that, but understandable in her opinion.

Selling most of those pictures, just keeping those in states of undress to yourself? In her never humble opinion, a reasonable reaction to a loved one who won't you back the way you would wish for. And a way to appeal to her other big love. Money helped to fill the void well enough

Keeping close tabs on the deranged stalker after your loved one, discreetly steering him around so they never got too close? She took pride on her subtle manipulations. Had she really gunned for his money, she just would have brought him and Akane together and reaped the collateral gains from marrying into a stinking rich family.

Constantly trolling and screwing with the idiot who somehow got your loved one's affections? Not noble at all, but she wasn't a noble person.

Selling their wedding's location to all of their pretenders? A desperate move, true, but one that had worked.

Yet, in the end, all of that only stalled the unavoidable conclusion.

She never married. She died rich. But never truly happy.

* * *

><p><strong>Crisis on Infinite Louises.<strong>

Once the worlds finally merged into one, so a single Louise Françoise le Blanc de la Vallière stood before them, blinking slowly and trying to make sense of her scrambled memories while rubbing her temples with small and delicate hands.

Those who had been her Familiars at some point or another of the wide cosmic tapestry of the universe looked at her.

"You know, there must be something really special about her..."

"Yes, I guess so..."

"Even if she's ill tempered, nasty, rude, and flat as a board..."

"But that's part of her charm, isn't it..."

"There's something about her that makes you want to protect her no matter what..."

"Underneath it all, she actually has a good heart."

"It's that pink hair, I think..."

"The high socks, and the short skirt..."

"Shut up, you pervert."

There was a very, very long silence as Louise, so far oblivious to all of them, heaved a deep sigh. Finally turning back to all of them, she began, "I think the first thing we should do is-"

"DIBS!" everyone cried, lunging for her, and all chaos broke loose.

* * *

><p><strong>In Love with your Carnage.<strong>

It was supposed to be a difficult job. The target was superpowered, one of the toughest metahuman killers in all of New York City. For a short while, Tsukuyomi found herself, even despite all of her preparations, overwhelmed. That gracefully terrifying, even if crass, creature quickly had her against the ropes, with incredible speed, and every cut and slash Tsukuyomi inflicted seemed to be healed just as fast as it was done. That smooth, yet wet red skin absorbed and covered the wounds just as soon as Tsukuyomi's blade was pulled back. What a wonderful gift, indeed. It was so beautiful, in a way, she almost felt tempted to let herself go, to experience defeat and demise at the clawed hands of such a perfected killing machine.

And then, as the talkative monster stood over her, with a hand turned into an axe and cracking bad jokes at her expense, something in him, the best part of him, seemed to return the feeling. It felt the superior nature of that young, fit body that had given it a fight, even if only for a short while. The living red layer covering the target oozed curiously in her direction, startling its own host body.

There was instant chemistry between them. Twin deviant souls recognized each other. Tsukuyomi's heart fluttered, as she reached over with a dainty hand, to touch at the tendril of red biting on her skin, and then entering her.

_"Ah,"_ she moaned.

"No, no, no!" the beautiful creature's host cried as it yanked itself from him, leaving only a scrawny naked pathetic man behind, instead merging with the petite body welcoming it. "You can't do this to me! Not after all we've gone through together! C'mon, man, don't-!"

A moment later, an experimental Hina blade made of symbiotic tissue separated his head from his neck.

The reborn Tsukuyomi looked at her limbs, now covered by that warm, wonderful and ever moving, orgasmically tickling, being and smiled, with a smile now made of nothing but sharp and long teeth. And she flexed her fingers, testing herself, letting herself go to the delight of the moment.

She always had like showing off her newest choices of dressing to Setsuna-sempai.

This wouldn't be an exception.

* * *

><p><strong>It's the Same Thing.<strong>

No matter the situation, no matter the degree of intimacy between them, Touta never gave any signs of minding one way or another, if Kuromaru was a boy or girl.

It was so annoying. It made Kuromaru always unsure if he felt for him just the same no matter what, or it was only he didn't care about his plight at all. It also made Kuromaru's election that much harder.

Then, the eve of his birthday, when he was despairing over it, Karin had enough, walked up to him, and made it clear how much he should be a woman.

"Men just can't do that to each other," she told him, as he rested there quivering.

Since he knew he'd regret missing on an eternity of that, it made his mind up.

A few months later, Karin listened to her newest plight, then answered, "Oh, yes, that. Periods. It's just a small downside, don't tell me you hadn't thought of that before taking your pick...?"

At the outburst that ensued, Touta began growing worried about having to look forward to an eternity of THAT...

* * *

><p><strong>Old Flame.<strong>

Terry knew about that woman, of course. She had been a legend on her own right, back when Bruce was still young. He knew they had worked together, several times.

What he never knew, and Bruce certainly never talked about it until the day she showed up at the Cave, was they had some... serious tension for a while.

"What are you doing here, after all this time?" Bruce had asked, humorless and grim, to the still perfectly beautiful female standing before him.

"I'm sorry, but I couldn't leave the Island until it was completely rebuilt, and my people had found stability again. I had my duties, just like you had yours."

Terry had always figured she would have it going for Superman instead, but as a matter of fact, they only acted like long time mildly estranged siblings during that meeting. Sure thing, Bruce acted estranged as well, but by now Terry knew him well enough to know better.

With Kyle long dead and... the less be said about al Ghul's daughter the better, Terry figured out it was the best chance Bruce has left.

Of course, 'immortal gorgeous Amazon' only sounds like a secondary chance for a battered old man when that battered old man happens to be Batman.

"I'm not like Trevor," he grouchily insisted, walking away from her, supported on his cane. "I don't need you nursing me in my dying days out of-"

"Finish that sentence, Bruce," she frowned, her right eyebrow high after the mention of the 'Trevor' name, "and you will regret it."

Much to Terry's surprise, Bruce actually obeyed.

It was a nice wedding, actually, and even Commissioner Gordon seemed happy. Drake had recovered fairly well by now, and Terry even got to meet the famous Dick Grayson. A nicer guy than he had expected.

"- and that guy back there is-?"

"Vandal Savage."

Terry made a violent spit-take. "THE Vandal Savage?-!"

"He's reformed," Diana intervened.

"Or so he says," Bruce mumbled. He bitterly held the wedding gift from the man in a hand. "No one who isn't evil would publically give Viagra to a groom."

The other thing of note that night was Terry learned you never should allow Jason Blood drink past a very short limit.

* * *

><p><strong>Friends<strong>.

Diamond Tiara got her Cutie Mark first.

Silver Spoon realized she really thought of her as a friend when she began mocking the blank flanks only after Silver got hers.

* * *

><p>Hope to see you next year! This one, I couldn't finish segments based on <em>CSI<em>, _Lobo_, _The Avengers_, _Powerpuff Girls Z_ and _Madoka Magica_ in time. Maybe then..?


	4. Chapter 4

Inspired by Shadow Crystal Mage's **_Love Stories _**(and a few others of his works…)

_UQ Holder_, _Mahou Sensei Negima!_, _Beetlejuice_, _The Avengers_, _Alejo y Valentina_, _Fate Stay Night_, _Disgaea_, _Batman_, _Frozen_, _Adventure Time with Finn & Jake_, _Casper_, _Fantastic Four_, _Dragon Ball Z_, _Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei_, _Regular Show_, _Peanuts_, _To Love Ru_ and _A Christmas Carol_ all belong to their respective owners (okay, so the last one is public domain by now…) and I make no money from them.

Please have a happy Valentine.

* * *

><p><strong>Your Weak Point<strong>.

"- no, I'm sorry," Evangeline told her, without looking back. "I can't love you back that way. I just can't, and I never will."

And she walked away.

Dropping on her knees and hugging her own upper section, Karin, the invulnerable, indestructible, cold and ruthless Karin, felt the pain of a million deaths.

* * *

><p><strong>CRACC Dating Service!<strong>

Sayo floated towards the empty table, looked all around for her absent blind date, and sighed sadly.

Then she noticed the small note on the table. She picked it up and slowly read aloud, _"Though I know I should be wary, still I venture someplace scary. Ghostly haunting I turn loose. Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, BEETLEJUICE!"_

Her eyes became tiny white dots.

And then...

"Ummm... whaaaatttt?!" she shrieked as the air around her began to shift violently.

* * *

><p>"So, um... how did your date go?" Asakura asked her.<p>

Sayo's face twitched several times, and she began sobbing softly.

"That bad, huh..." Asakura frowned sourly.

* * *

><p><strong>It's Better That Way.<strong>

Since the incident in New York, Tony had gotten dozens if not hundreds of e-mails and other messages from that Ross woman, desperately asking for Banner. She probably had either figured out or learned from hard experience she'd never succeed at learning Banner's whereabouts through Fury, even before the man's downfall, so she had resorted to him instead.

But even though Pepper had argued for letting her know, Tony never could tell her, not even while he had Banner in his mansion, listening to his woes with Extremis and Killian. Because Banner himself wouldn't have wanted Betty, his Betty, his beloved Betty, to ever find him again.

Because he loved her too much for it.

* * *

><p><strong>The Next Best Thing...<strong>

"¿Che, pero si yo te caigo tan mal y soy tan boludo, porque te liaste de novia a mi hermana, que es igual a mi?" le preguntó Gregory.

"C-Callate, boludo, me chupan la pija vos y tu hermana, boludo," le respondió Matías, en lo que a decir verdad fue una confesión de intenciones bastante sincera, aunque no de forma intencional...

* * *

><p><strong>Thirty Xanatos Pile-Up<strong>.

It would be easy, for an outsider who just got their first close glimpse at them, to say Rin was in only for the sex and the excitement. And she most likely wouldn't have done anything to dispel that idea after blackmailing and subtly bullying the offender into remaining mum about the subject.

But, had that hypothetical person bothered and been allowed to take a closer look over the span of only a day, they would have realized how much Rin, Negi, Saber, and even Illya all loved each other. Through all the little petty squabbling, through all the acts of domestic depravity, through all the bizarre showings of loyalty in the ever present face of danger. They would have seen it, shining in its own special way. The link between all four of them, as heartwarming as beautiful, as admirable as twisted. That person would have cried, unless their heart had been made of stone.

Then, as that person wept to themselves over the sort of connection they never could achieve for themselves, Sella would have stealthily approached them from behind, taken them out of the equation, and then disposed off their body without the blessed four even realizing that person's misfortune and disappearance.

After all, her young mistress' honor couldn't ever be tarnished in the public eye. So she did that out of love, too, even if they rarely invited her and Lesyritt to join them in...

* * *

><p><strong>White<strong>.

Laharl remained there, looking after the tiny white flower after asking Etna to leave and take charge of the throne. He never went back, devoting all of his time to care for the flower. But the days of demons are long and those of flowers are so very short, and so, rather quickly, the tiny white flower began withering down.

Despairing, Laharl tried his best to keep it alive. He called for help to Etna, who in turn asked for help from all across the Underworld, but nothing they tried worked at all, and in the span of a few days, the flower lost all its petals and crumpled into dust.

Laharl knelt there, in the dirt, slumped over in a sinister hopeless silence. Days and nights came and went, and yet not even once did he move from where the tiny white flower had been.

Until Etna returned to him, holding something in her arms.

"Prince? I think you should see this."

Gently, she placed the tiny white Prinny on the ground. And it began running in circles around Laharl, with all the attempted stealth of an elephant in clown clothes, the blue ribbon on its head bouncing along with its clumsy steps.

"Nin-nin, nin-nin, dood!"

Sorry. We meant _her_ clumsy steps.

Finally, the long forgotten smile returned to Laharl.

* * *

><p><strong>CRACC Dating Service!<strong>

Sayo stared at her newest blind date. Or rather, at her blind date's pristine white suit, top hat, gloves and monocle. Because there wasn't anything else to see of him.

"Ahhhh... why are your face and body invisible, Craddock-san?" she asked.

"To be perfectly honest, I don't know," he shrugged. "They've been that way ever since I returned from the underworld. Maybe it's the way afterlife has seen fit to punish me."

"To punish you?" she echoed.

"Oh, yes. I have always been a man of such high ambitions, others have always been jealous of me and my enterprises. That's exactly why I died; some meddling do-gooders caught me in the middle of a scheme to gain immortality by slaying prostitutes in the Victorian England. Why did they have to do it? No one missed them anyway! They wouldn't have lived past their forties, one way or another?!"

Sayo gasped. "You... You were...?!"

"Jack the Ripper? Why, indeed, I was. Well, one of them anyway. Mr. Vandal Savage, one of my colleagues in the Injustice Society, and some street urchin little girl, also committed a few of those murders, but mine were the best, the most perfectly crafted, because unlike theirs, mine had an ulterior-"

Sayo floated up from her chair and escaped shrieking.

The Gentleman Ghost slumped back on his chair, sighing. "You would think being revealed as a historical celebrity would impress them favorably..."

"Excuse me..." a very pretty girl said from the next table, "But I couldn't help overhearing, and I think you're a fascinating man. May I sit and talk with you, please?"

"Oh, certainly! And your name would happen to be, Miss...?"

"Sayako. Minase Sayako...!" she giggled.

And that was the beginning of a (**NOT!**) beautiful romance.

* * *

><p><strong>A Romantic at Heart<strong>.

Harley smiled sweetly at him from across the table. "I'm so glad you could make it here tonight."

"Believe me," Joker said, "my heart isn't cold enough for it yet."

"Oooo, you say the funniest things!" she giggled. "More champagne?" she asked, holding a bottle up.

"Sure, why not?" the Clown Prince said. "It might help me warm up."

"Rrrowwwrrr, for things heating up..." she purred, pouring him another glass, then clanging their glasses together before getting the drink to her beau's ruby lips. "I only hope you won't mind having a chaperone for the night?"

"It's not so much the company itself that I'm minding now, Harl..." he confessed, pointing down to the huge block of ice covering his feet with the heavy ice manacles around his wrists, "But, even with his weirdo cryo-freezing special technique, don't you think I'll be having frostbite very soon?"

Standing next to the table with a freeze gun in a hand, Mr. Freeze scoffed. "Silence. Do you think they had to call this kind of favors on me when **I** had a beautiful blonde after me? Seriously, what in the world is wrong with you?"

* * *

><p><strong>Snow and Nice<strong>.

With the cursed crown on his head, the transformed Simon looked, filled with awe, at the vast white extensions that would be his home from then on. Constantly whipped by howling icy winds from the North, the mountains were an inhospitable, deadly trap for any normal mortals who would venture out there. And they were so—

_"- beautiful,"_ the newly powered Ice King whispered, on the brink of tears. And then, he began running across the snow covered hills, arms extended, exploring his asylum away from the results of men's folly for the first time. And he sang, _"Let it go, let it go. Turn away and slam the door. I don't care what they're going to say. Let the storm rage on... The cold never bothered me anyway!"_

* * *

><p>"— but I suppose you couldn't relate to that, could you?" the Ice King sadly said now, staring at Elsa with pathetically large eyes.<p>

Elsa's own eyes shone. "Tell me more..."

* * *

><p>"I'm sorry," he sorrowfully told her, after much sharing, suffering and joy. "I know it's selfish from me, but... long ago, I swore I'd only give my heart away to a Princess. And you are a Queen. Unlike princesses, you have your own ruling duties, ones I can't take you away from..."<p>

"Hey, Queen or not, I rule a kingdom too, and when has that stopped you from bothering me?!" Princess Bubblegum protested.

Elsa turned around to face Anna, and taking her own crown off, placed it on top of Anna's head. "Congratulations. You are the Queen of Arendelle now. Long live the Queen!" And she spun back around to face... "Simon!"

"Elsa!" he answered, and they threw themselves into each other's arms.

* * *

><p>As the King and his Princess danced under a soft hail of snow filling the ballroom, Anna took the crown off and gave it a critical look. "What could I possibly do with a kingdom?"<p>

Standing next to her, Kristoff shrugged his shoulders. "Build better roads for ice delivery, for starters?"

"Would I have to raise the taxes for that?" Anna wondered.

At the sidelines, Olaf sniffled, twig hands on his own heart. "I think... I'm in love with you! Gunther!"

The penguin shifted his head slightly aside, confused. "Qwerk?" he quacked.

Princess Bubblegum rubbed her aching temples. "I need a freaking hot sweet drink."

* * *

><p><strong>CRACC Dating Service!<strong>

"Hello! My name's Casper! You must be Sayo, I'm sure we're going to be good—"

Sayo, who up until that point had been just gaping and gulping in muted, paralyzed terror, finally could shriek "AAAAIIIIEEEEEEE!" and flee at top speed.

Casper frowned and folded his arms. "Maybe I should just try patching things up with Wendy."

* * *

><p><strong>Fantastic<strong>.

Ben Grimm was awed when he first learned he could make fire now. Like an overgrown child with a new toy, he tossed himself up as a human torch, flying high like only someone who got to be an army pilot to satisfy a lifelong dream of flying could.

Reed Richards learned he could make himself invisible and generate invisible force fields, which fascinated him to no end. On a purely scientific level, of course.

Johnny Storm realized he had gained the ability to stretch and contract his body and limbs at will. After several moments of gleefully playing with his new powers, he looked into his underpants, tried a new thing, and grinned at the results. "Ooohh, I'm going to love this..." he chuckled.

Then they found Susan.

Reed swore he'd do his best to revert Sue's mutation, to get her out of the rock skinned condition that had her derisively calling herself the Thing. Through all of the quartet's adventures and misadventures, many temporary solutions were found, but none would stick for any long. And so the time passed and passed, until...

During her latest therapy session, Reed proposed her again.

And once again, she shook her head. "For the last time, Reed, no. Not like this. Not when you're still feeling... you know..."

"I insist," he said, "my proposals have nothing to do with any feelings of guilt over your condition, Sue. I would have proposed you long ago, no matter what. Still, I'm glad you have said that. I don't know what would have I done if you had accepted this time..."

"Huh?" she asked.

He smiled, and entered the chamber where she was.

A moment later, as she looked down at her newly human hands, and he shambled out wrapped into thick orange stone, he explained, "I found a solution that should remain stable over a permanent basis... but it demanded exchanging your altered added genetic factor with an equivalent one. Now _this_, I admit it, might have been done out of a feeling of guilt..."

She married him regardless.

* * *

><p><strong>CRACC Dating Service!<strong>

"So, how did it go?" Asakura asked, eager.

Sayo pouted. "W-Well... he was very scary, and at first he wouldn't stop talking about this 'Vegeta' ex-friend of his, and he seemed like a true psychopath... but then we realized we had a few things in common, and the date was really starting to work, and we were even having fun..."

"And... what happened, then?" asked Asakura.

Sayo sniffled. "Evangeline-san saw him demolishing half of the city, complimented him on his technique, they hit it off, left me with the restaurant bill. Luckily your card was good enough, but I'd start saving until your allowance..."

Asakura cursed under her breath.

* * *

><p><strong>Completist<strong>.

Fujiyoshi Harumi quiet and silently walked away from the scene.

Despite herself, she cracked what sort of was a smile. It was rather funny, in a way, how Haruna, who completely inverted the Oblivious to Love trope they both hated so much, would fall for it in that one particular regard, and how Harumi herself would enforce it as well from her side of the equation, through that equally annoying trope known as Can't Spit It Out.

Harumi stopped outside the building, looking up at the night sky, and remembering the long training sessions teaching that annoying peppy child how to draw. She remembered the pride when Haruna became better than her, and her frustration at that talent not being included with enough discipline, as often is the case with geniuses. She remembered the stinging jealousy when Haruna began hanging out with those tiny library rats, and remembered the ache slowly dulling away over the terms, washed away by resignation. By the time Negi-sensei entered Haruna's life, Harumi couldn't even really care anymore. but then came Yuuki-san. And Lala-san. And all the others who came along with accepting (nay, looking for) Negi and Rito as your boyfriends, or boytoys, or whatever.

And then the ache returned tenfold, for she was the only one left out.

Harumi took her glasses off and wiped them dry and clean.

Then, Haruna asked from behind her. "Not even in my graduation night? Even now, you won't confess?" she asked, all disappointment.

Harumi froze in place. "You knew?!"

"I know everything," came the wicked cackle, along the strange bouncing sound of the ahoge, despite the fact ahoges never should produce any sound.

Harumi tightened her fists at her sides. "And why did you wait, then?! You never waited for anyone to confess! Why did you keep ME, and only ME, like this so long?!"

Haruna grabbed her Sempai by the waist and forced her to turn around, so they were face to face. How much had she grown, from those days where she had to look up at Harumi. It made Harumi feel so old.

"Because," Haruna purred, "the final and best piece of the puzzle just has to be the most special."

Oh well. So that was it. It sure made her feel silly now, too. She still could take the initiative in something, though, Harumi decided, as she took a firm hold of Haruna's cheeks and planted her mouth on hers.

* * *

><p><strong>My Strength<strong>.

He has me down. Against the ropes. Dead to rights.

My head buzzes as I vaguely hear him, standing over me, bragging in his thick Russiant accent. The mighty Rhino, blah blah blah. Worst part being, he's right. In that huge, clunky thing, not only he's bigger than me, he's also stronger, more resistant. Way better.

I'm sorry, Gwen. I really tried my best.

Maybe we'll be together now, at least.

And then, the crowd's voices rise over his. And I remember, through the buzzing and the pain. No, we can't be rejoined, not like this, not yet.

Because this isn't what you'd have wanted.

So I force myself back up, and I know I've broken something in me as I punch my best through the armor. I ignore it, and it's easy, as I keep forcing my arm its way up the front, trying to reach for him. For the cabin. The soft squishy inside.

"No! What are you doing?! You idiot, you moron, you-!"

"Yadda yadda yadda, rhinos aren't supposed to be talking. You're the big silent type, aren't you?" The words make the pain more bearable, and I'm up to my shoulder into the armor, and then my fingers finally reach it. His neck.

I'm sorry, Gwen.

"Open the cockpit and drop out," I order, trying to sound like I'm not bluffing, while hoping to God I'm only bluffing. Or else I make you an extinct species.

"You wouldn't-"

"Oh, really."

"You aren't... the type..." he gasps, literally feeling the pressure. "You don't do this... to kill..."

"Nah, I don't. I do it out of love. But guess what. I lost my love, and with it I lost my way. Your call, Tough Guy. Five seconds."

Promptly, he opens it, and drops ahead, coughing and choking, onto the sidewalk, as I let his throat go.

The people cheers my name, over and over. And I look down at this big man, this strong man, fueled even stronger by his rage and hatred, now reduced to this pathetic weak man, this wheezing and gasping little man. Frail. Alone.

I look at the New Yorkers, all alone me. And to my relief, I realize I was bluffing. I haven't lost my way. I haven't lost my love.

As long as I have them, Gwen, I'll keep loving you through them.

* * *

><p><strong>CRACC Dating Service!<strong>

"Oh, I just don't know, I'm so nervous...!" Sayo shivered. "This, this is my first time in a, well, a threesome...!"

Bruce Wayne opened the door of the old bedroom, turned the lights on, and caught direct sight of his parents' ethereal forms in their old bed sandwiching a small pale ghostly girl.

He stared.

They stared back.

Finally, the white haired girl gasped aloud and fainted.

Wayne quickly closed the door, barricaded it with as many wooden planks as Alfred could bring him, went down to the cave, suited up, and departed in a Batmobile.

* * *

><p>The Joker blinked as he saw his nemesis breaking into his Arkham cell, sitting down on his bed, and then hiding his face between his hands.<p>

"Uhhhh..." the clown began.

**"NOT. A. SINGLE. WORD."**

Wisely, the Joker closed his mouth.

* * *

><p><strong>Not a Regular Incident<strong>.

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH!" Mordecai cheered as they played videogames. Rigby just cringed and clenched his teeth.

* * *

><p>"OOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH!" Mordecai cheered as they watched <em>Attack of the Mutant Murderers from Outer Space VI<em>. Rigby just cringed and clenched his teeth. Then he kicked Mordecai out of the theatre.

* * *

><p>"OOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH!" Mordecai cheered as they played brushed their teeth. Rigby just cringed and clenched his newly shiny teeth.<p>

* * *

><p>"OOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH!" Mordecai cheered as they swept the leaves. Rigby just cringed and clenched his teeth.<p>

* * *

><p>"OOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH!" Mordecai cheered as they received their paychecks. Rigby just cringed and clenched his teeth.<p>

Benson looked at Rigby from behind the desk. "Did he and CJ finally-"

"Yeah, they did," Rigby deadpanned. "Are we always THIS annoying to you?"

Benson smiled. "I officially welcome you to my world."

"Bleeehhhhh..."

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Seriously, cut it out already, Mordecai!"

* * *

><p><strong>CRACC Dating Service!<strong>

"And... then, what was the problem this time?" Asakura asked, folding her arms.

"The whole night, sitting at that pumpkin patch, waiting and waiting and waiting, and he never came!" Sayo wailed. "Oh, I feel so stupid! So humbled!"

"... I see, " Asakura said, taking several moments to pat her friend's shoulder and kiss her forehead, before turning back to her computer and send an angry e-mail to one of her online friends.

_Linus, your friend fucking sucks!_

* * *

><p><strong>A Good Soldier's Duty<strong>.

"- she is in love with me?" Zastin asked, blinking a few times.

Momo blinked back. "You mean you hadn't noticed it? Really?"

"Well," the warrior said, "I certainly had noticed her showings of affection towards me, but I wasn't aware it was fully fledged love. I assumed it was only one of those fleeting crushes young girls often develop on older males they haven't gotten to know that well yet... no offense, My Lady."

"What did you mean with that?" Momo huffed, before filing terribly swift vengeance back into her To Do list for the moment. "Anyway, that's why I didn't add Saki-san to the Harem Plan for Rito-kun. But if you don't mind-"

"Oh, I don't," he quickly said. "A good soldier's duty is to devote himself exclusively to his lords and their cause. There is no place in my existence for romance, and such I hold no such interests."

Momo beamed a smile. "That's great! Then I can pull her back into the Harem Plan!"

"However, My Lady," the man said, "shouldn't you, perhaps, if you'll forgive my audacity in suggesting so, consider Saki-sama's own feelings on the subject?"

"Ah? But you'll reject her anyway, won't you?"

"Certainly. But that is not the point."

Momo stared blankly at him. "I don't understand you..."

After all, feelings existed to be changed when it was for the best, didn't they? If Saki was to be rejected by Zastin, what was the harm on pairing her with Rito? Even if she didn't want to right now, she'd eventually want it, because Momo would make sure of it, herself. That made it all right, didn't it?

Zastin, of course, never could argue with her on that or anything else, never could discuss the points she wouldn't bother exposing to him in any case. So he only fell to a knee before her and admitted, humbly, "It's my fault. I have spoken out of place."

That, too, was a good soldier's duty.

A shame it wasn't a good soldier what Momo needed right then and there.

* * *

><p><strong>Where does she Get all those Wonderful Plants?<strong>

Harley blinked. "You're a WRITER?!"

Ivy shrugged. "Under a pseudonym, but yeah. What, you don't think I have the intellect for it?"

"Uhhh... no, I mean yes, I mean, yes you do, it's just... it's hard to think of you as a _writer_...!"

"Why?"

"... of _romantic_ fiction!"

"... erotica, Harley."

"But still!"

Ivy sighed, shook her head, and returned to her writing. "You're hopeless."

"Hey, hey! Can ya write me some erotic fanfiction about me an' Mistah J?"

"Ha ha ha ha, that's a good one... but no, of course I won't."

"Drat. Soooo... does it pay well?"

"How did you think I make all that money to spend on chemicals for fertilizers for giant plants?"

"By stealing it?"

"Don't be ridiculous; I can't steal it until I've grown those giant plants, " Ivy replied, matter of factly.

"But isn't writing creepy perverted fiction... far too evil, even for us?"

Ivy closed her eyes, stood up, and then calmly tossed Harley out of the greenhouse.

* * *

><p><strong>CRACC Dating Service!<strong>

"The lady will spend this Christmas with me!" the gigantic ghost stated. "After all, she likes living in the present!"

"No, she's going to have a nice Christmas date with me!" said the delicate female ghost. "I promised I'd help her to unravel her past!"

The hooded dark figure tapped on their shoulders with bony hands and then pointed around to make clear the object of their affections and target of their competition had vanished altogether from sight.

* * *

><p>"Oh, Mr. Marley!" she giggled, blushing adorably as the heavily chained man poured her another non-alcoholic drink. "You're a true English gentleman...!"<p>

* * *

><p>Elsewhere, Negi rubbed his nose. "I wonder why was that, all of a sudden? I haven't had a cold ever since—"<p>

The members of the Mahora Christmas Choir he had just stripped began tossing random objects at his head.

* * *

><p><em>See you again next year, young lovers! I hope!<em>


End file.
